A bachelor Iyer's Confusion!

Every guy has to pass through the stage where his parents will tell him indirectly that you are getting old enough to get married. A euphemism meaning you are on crossroads and about to be considered uncle. In medical terms its called Unclophobia. You can say 26-27 is that time or the time before the children in your neighbour start calling you the dreaded word "UNCLE". If you are more than 29-30; only god can help you . You will be labelled an uncle-types by the girls. Then there is no use running around with jaadhagams (horoscopes). Just hope that some same-aged aunty show some pity on you!

As there is Kalyana-talk going on in home, there explodes mangoes (just like that Slice' Ad) in our hearts imagining Aishwarya Rai, Ayesha Takia, Drew Barrymore, Trisha etc.. All in One.. Nalam nalamariyaaval song of Kaadhal Kottai playing in background imagining one like these beauties. A Tam-brahm who has been brought on a steady diet of tayir saadam (curd rice) imagines one of these above mentioned figures wearing a madisaar (12 yard saree).

But he doesn't knows that he is no Sliverster Stallone. Girls esp. iyer girls don't put conditions, but rather commandments. Some of those dreaded ones are:-

• Cmdt#1:- Guy should be well-settled. (Even God has failed to know the exact meaning of well-settledness). Well-settled can be anything from owning a Mercedes car and being a neighbour to Sachin Tendulkar.
• Corollary to Cmdt #1:- well-settledness meaning is subject to change from person to person and vary accordingly without prior notice.
• Cmdt#2:- Guys should be well educated. Well educated means an MBA from IIMs to an M.Tech from IITs. Guys graduating from colleges like Ganpatrao Bapatrao Engg college or BannariAmman Institute of technology are blatantly rejected.
• Cmdt#3:- Boys should work in reputed firms. For a s/w enggr, rejection policy is relative and subject to market conditions. Techie from google Inc. , Microsoft Inc. are preferred than Indian cos. Guys working in banks can apply. H1B or European visa is must.
• Cmdt#4:- boys should earn more than 1 Lakh. guys hoping that's per quarter pls stp reading further. that is per month or per fortnight. As per above Commandment, where the hell does a bank guy earn more than 1L/m????
• Cmdt#5:- Boys should have clean habits. Now clean habits doesn't means not wearing unwashed underwears for many days but no smoking, no drinking, no jolling, no paan, no friend aathula party, no friends oda outings, so late nite Fridays etc.. (the more the list grows the more the guy's fate is bad)
• Corollary to Cmdt #5:- Some of these can be excluded from the list if ponnu herself has some of these nalla habits.
• Cmdt#6:- Boys should reside in city limits. Yes my dear comrades. In mumbai iyer girls have setup limit from dadar to mulund in central lines and goregoan to andheri in western. In short if you are out of city limits you are a villager. And if you really stay in a village better look out for a gramathu-ponnu than these high-cultured high-heeled city ponnus.
• Cmdt#:7- Guys should have own flat in city area. Can someone please let these girls know about real-estate rates. A good house costs anywhere close to 70 Lacs. Now, how do they expect us to own this. All we can do is own a square-feet of land in prime area. That too on a loan.
• Cmdt#8:- Boys should be good looking and should not be 'sottai' (bald) What the ....? City bred Iyer ponnus behave as if they are all Aishwarya Rai's cousin sister. If they all want Salman Khan and Sharkukh Khan, who will put khana for us? Boy should be able to convince the girl that 'Mandailla massuru illainalum, manasu mangalyama irruku' (Have a good heart if not hairs on head)
• Corollary to Cmdt #8:- Boys should have good figures with 6 packs. Yes. definitely. Round is a figure. Ain't it? Single pack (a.k.a Family pack) are not the figures girls are looking out for. So take dumbells straightaway!
• Cmdt#9:- Guys should know to cook well. So start watching all cookery shows on TV including Paravai Muniyamma's Gramathu Virundhu.
• Cmdt#10:- Guys should be god-fearing. Post-marriage guys can fear only 1 thing, that is their better half.
• Cmdt#11:- Guys should have good family values. Now again this is a ambiguous reqt. We are weak in maths.. so lets not discuss values. Yes, but we can discuss figures.
• Cmdt#12:- Guys should be pure veg. Hmmm.. You can watch mokkai movies of Meena but not try to taste Meen Kozhambu
• Cmdt#13:- Boys should have good sense of humor. Cracking Non veg. jokes and saying double/triple meaning dialaak is not considered sense of humor by girls. You should have capability to laugh at the mokkai jokes of the gal and appreciate that. What torture is this Saravana???
• Cmdt#13:- Boy should sing carnatic music well(not cinema songs like apdi podu podu). Sruthi set aagalana, Sruthi sistera try pannalam.

So my poor single iyers, these are some of the confusions through which all of us are going through. I am sure the Commandments list increase exponentially once you tie the dreaded knot. Till then do jalsa and show jilpa... Wokkay?