Bhaiyya mind!

Took a rick from Sakinaka to Ghatkopar station yesterday evening. On eavesdropping a bit, realized the driver was a 'Bhaiyya' - A slang used by Mumbaiwallahs to address the UP-Bihar migrants in Mumbai. Actually, Bhaiyya is a tortured soul at the hands of Marathi manoos esp. the Thackerays. Everyone seems to hate them. Mumbai these days is polarized on two things:- Bhaiyya and non-Bhaiyya!

But how Bombayites identify a Bhaiyya?? Well here are some..

• When the person has a nasty oil (probably Chameli ka Tel) applied on his hairs and boards a jam-packed local train. Then the person drops something, bends down to get it and in process rubs off his oily head on our trousers. Believe me no Ariel/Surf Excel can get that stink off your pant. You have for sure encountered a Bhaiyya that day.
• A road-side panipuriwallah who mixed the paani with his left hand (also used frequently by him to scratch his underarms, pick nose etc..). The KantaBens, Geetaben who like their paanipuri extra spicy can be overheard saying to bhaiyya with a puri in their mouth.. "Aur theeka chahiyee"(I want it more spicy). God bless their poor husbands. ;-)
• The pot-bellied panwala who wears a white trouser and a over-sized shirt with all but 2 buttons open flaunting his family pack.
• Scores of channawallah (peanut vendors) who rule the roost in local trains and platforms in Mumbai suburbs. no one can make better cones of paper than them.
• etc..

Well, coming to point, I happened to ask the Bhaiyya his opinion on Raj Thackeray. His curt reply was that he endorses Raj Thackeray Maharashtra Navnirman sena (Manse as ppl call it). I asked him the reason as Bhaiyyas hate him the most for his No-Bhaiyya-in-Bombay agenda. I was pleasantly surprised by his answer.

He said, 'Saab, joh jyada kaanoon thodtha hain, uske haat mein kaanoon sambhalneko deneka. Sudhar jaayenga' (Giving the responsibility to the bully to maintain law who frequently tends to break it)

It made perfect sense. Make the rowdy guy in class as the monitor, He will come in line automatically. Hats off to that Bhaiyya for his thinking.

A brilliant Bhaiyya mind!

A bachelor Iyer's Confusion!

Every guy has to pass through the stage where his parents will tell him indirectly that you are getting old enough to get married. A euphemism meaning you are on crossroads and about to be considered uncle. In medical terms its called Unclophobia. You can say 26-27 is that time or the time before the children in your neighbour start calling you the dreaded word "UNCLE". If you are more than 29-30; only god can help you . You will be labelled an uncle-types by the girls. Then there is no use running around with jaadhagams (horoscopes). Just hope that some same-aged aunty show some pity on you!

As there is Kalyana-talk going on in home, there explodes mangoes (just like that Slice' Ad) in our hearts imagining Aishwarya Rai, Ayesha Takia, Drew Barrymore, Trisha etc.. All in One.. Nalam nalamariyaaval song of Kaadhal Kottai playing in background imagining one like these beauties. A Tam-brahm who has been brought on a steady diet of tayir saadam (curd rice) imagines one of these above mentioned figures wearing a madisaar (12 yard saree).

But he doesn't knows that he is no Sliverster Stallone. Girls esp. iyer girls don't put conditions, but rather commandments. Some of those dreaded ones are:-

• Cmdt#1:- Guy should be well-settled. (Even God has failed to know the exact meaning of well-settledness). Well-settled can be anything from owning a Mercedes car and being a neighbour to Sachin Tendulkar.
• Corollary to Cmdt #1:- well-settledness meaning is subject to change from person to person and vary accordingly without prior notice.
• Cmdt#2:- Guys should be well educated. Well educated means an MBA from IIMs to an M.Tech from IITs. Guys graduating from colleges like Ganpatrao Bapatrao Engg college or BannariAmman Institute of technology are blatantly rejected.
• Cmdt#3:- Boys should work in reputed firms. For a s/w enggr, rejection policy is relative and subject to market conditions. Techie from google Inc. , Microsoft Inc. are preferred than Indian cos. Guys working in banks can apply. H1B or European visa is must.
• Cmdt#4:- boys should earn more than 1 Lakh. guys hoping that's per quarter pls stp reading further. that is per month or per fortnight. As per above Commandment, where the hell does a bank guy earn more than 1L/m????
• Cmdt#5:- Boys should have clean habits. Now clean habits doesn't means not wearing unwashed underwears for many days but no smoking, no drinking, no jolling, no paan, no friend aathula party, no friends oda outings, so late nite Fridays etc.. (the more the list grows the more the guy's fate is bad)
• Corollary to Cmdt #5:- Some of these can be excluded from the list if ponnu herself has some of these nalla habits.
• Cmdt#6:- Boys should reside in city limits. Yes my dear comrades. In mumbai iyer girls have setup limit from dadar to mulund in central lines and goregoan to andheri in western. In short if you are out of city limits you are a villager. And if you really stay in a village better look out for a gramathu-ponnu than these high-cultured high-heeled city ponnus.
• Cmdt#:7- Guys should have own flat in city area. Can someone please let these girls know about real-estate rates. A good house costs anywhere close to 70 Lacs. Now, how do they expect us to own this. All we can do is own a square-feet of land in prime area. That too on a loan.
• Cmdt#8:- Boys should be good looking and should not be 'sottai' (bald) What the ....? City bred Iyer ponnus behave as if they are all Aishwarya Rai's cousin sister. If they all want Salman Khan and Sharkukh Khan, who will put khana for us? Boy should be able to convince the girl that 'Mandailla massuru illainalum, manasu mangalyama irruku' (Have a good heart if not hairs on head)
• Corollary to Cmdt #8:- Boys should have good figures with 6 packs. Yes. definitely. Round is a figure. Ain't it? Single pack (a.k.a Family pack) are not the figures girls are looking out for. So take dumbells straightaway!
• Cmdt#9:- Guys should know to cook well. So start watching all cookery shows on TV including Paravai Muniyamma's Gramathu Virundhu.
• Cmdt#10:- Guys should be god-fearing. Post-marriage guys can fear only 1 thing, that is their better half.
• Cmdt#11:- Guys should have good family values. Now again this is a ambiguous reqt. We are weak in maths.. so lets not discuss values. Yes, but we can discuss figures.
• Cmdt#12:- Guys should be pure veg. Hmmm.. You can watch mokkai movies of Meena but not try to taste Meen Kozhambu
• Cmdt#13:- Boys should have good sense of humor. Cracking Non veg. jokes and saying double/triple meaning dialaak is not considered sense of humor by girls. You should have capability to laugh at the mokkai jokes of the gal and appreciate that. What torture is this Saravana???
• Cmdt#13:- Boy should sing carnatic music well(not cinema songs like apdi podu podu). Sruthi set aagalana, Sruthi sistera try pannalam.

So my poor single iyers, these are some of the confusions through which all of us are going through. I am sure the Commandments list increase exponentially once you tie the dreaded knot. Till then do jalsa and show jilpa... Wokkay?